How Not to Name Your Child...

With so much hype involved with the latest Modern Warfare, there was another video game that seemed to have a mystical charm to it that swept the internet.  There were countdown clocks on Facebook that had more precision than NASA prepares for a shuttle launch to pave the way for what was to come.  And with a name that evokes a thousand foot basketball hoop, it means only one thing...'Skyrim'

The Tomahawk Jam is a level 45's ace in the hole.
With intense plot development, great character development, and a never ending plot, Skyrim is sure to deliver...and they mean that in the most literal sense imaginable.  Prior to the game's release, the makers of the game, Bethesda Softworks, set a challenge to any expecting mother that if they gave birth on 11/11/11 and named their kid after the main character, they would receive more Skyrim loot than you could shake your fist at.  If you are like me, you raised the same concern...doesn't a guy need a girl to have a kid?  And doesn't she have to agree with this?  And what are the odds that there is actually a couple willing to do this AND have their child born on November 11?  Apparently, the odds weren't high enough.  On November 11, 2011, baby Dovahkiin entered the world as a level 1 rogue.

Even with the grand prize receiving Bethesda games for the rest of their life, one would question the motives of these parents.  In their own words, here is the defense from the parents of a future demon-slayer:
“I would never name my child a name I found horrible or even terribly mediocre. I think we’re doing a great job with our daughter and will continue to be great parents for our son, too. Naming him something so unique may only have as much effect as any person’s opinion on another. That’s all they are. Opinions. We all have them; most of us voice them. But the ones that matter most are the opinions of your family and, more importantly, the opinion you hold of yourself. I think we can enable a high opinion of himself in our son because we’ve done so and will continue to do so with our daughter. The name won’t change my parenting.”

The main point is that they wanted to name their son something unique.  Like the buffalo that moves too far away from the heard, having a unique name in school is the quickest way to get picked off by the bullies.

Made sure to use every part of the buffalo, including his unique name.

Is there a reason that parents find it necessary to name their kid from an episode of Star Trek rather than something that would help in a positive way, where positive means anything but a twirlie?  At the University of Central Florida, student Atari Bigby said he endured much teasing while going through school.  He said that he did not like the name while in elementary school, but once he realized that no one else had it, he liked it.  In other words, he become the most organic hipster of the millennium.  While he may think being named after a gaming system is cool, I doubt he will christen his offspring as Xbox, PS3, or Gameboy....although I will hold my breath on the latter...

Luckily, Bethesda Softworks knew that having a challenge to see who could get their kid beat up first could get them in hot water, so their legal team put together some of the finest small print to cover themselves.  Epically put, “Any reward for completing this quest will not ultimately justify the potential teasing your child could — and probably will — endure over its lifespan. Bethesda Softworks is not responsible for your parenting. You may gain experience points for completing this quest, but you will not care at 3 am on a work night. Completion of this quest may also result in decreased desire to play video games and/or function as a human being. Consult with your friends before embarking on this quest; while it may not start in prison, it probably ends there.”  What you read can be summarized in one easy sentence.  If you name your son Dovahkiin, then we will not pay for his medical bills.

The face of a patient denied coverage due to Skyrim Insurance

In any case, we can only hope that Dovahkiim fulfills the prophecies and tries to live a normal life.  And although his parents will continue to abuse his name by giving him Skyrim themed parties and crack jokes about how he 'came into this world by breaking out of a prison' [reference to the beginning of the game], it may be that trauma growing up that will turn him into the hero he was destined to be.  The only silver lining is that he was lucky he was blessed with a heroic name.  Just imagine if Starfox 64 wanted to push a Slippy Toad into this world.....?

"NO, NO!  Not the locker, again!!!!"


  1. I'm just saying, there are plenty of people named Mario, Luigi, or Yoshi, and I'm looking forward to naming my child Pikachu (or if it's a boy, Squirtle).

  2. If it's a boy? Squirtle is more of a girl name...

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