The Six Year Plan - People and Coffee

Dear Reader,

If there is one thing I've learned from my time in college, it's that there are just some people who can't live without their coffee. I've seen bumper stickers that say "I have too much blood in my caffeine system." I've seen people claw at the gates of closed coffee shops, demanding more coffee. I've seen people scrounge about for loose and spare change, desperately trying to buy a small cup of glory. It's as if their brains function at 5% capacity until they get that first surge of slow roasted, dark, Colombian goodness.

"Looks like they got a new espresso machine!"

If you recognize any of the following logos, then you have undoubtedly encountered a Coffee Snob, or alternatively, a Coffee Addict.

Point proven. I've realized that people define themselves based on the coffee they drink. In fact, I work at one of these listed coffee shops, and have become a god-like barista. Now hold on, I'm not exactly proud of that, but bills don't pay for themselves. Anyway, I've spent the past three years studying which people order which drinks, and have come to some sort of conclusion. Here's the guide to coffee.

Straight Brew:

Your typical coffee. Nothing too special about it. This is for people who need a steady supply of caffeine all day. It provides the kind of buzz that just lingers. Buying a cup is usually accompanied with free re-fills. If this was sold in an IV pouch, sales would triple, I guarantee it.

Americano:

This drink consists of water and espresso. It's probably the most honest drink of them all: the people who order these know and accept their espresso addiction. They just want their fix, and don't make much fuss about it. Get in, drink, get out: simple as that.

Mocha:

This drink is for the newcomers headed down a dark, dark path. Instead of settling with a simple Hot Chocolate, they think "well, maybe just one shot of espresso..." WRONG. Normal hot chocolate won't cut it anymore: your mind tells you it won't nearly be as good without that espresso. Eventually one shot isn't enough. You need more. Two shots isn't enough. You need more. Eventually you're addicted. I would say this stuff should be called Mike's Hard Chocolate Milk, except that people would probably buy it more often.

Latte:

A drink for those in the denial stages of their addiction. Mochas don't cut it anymore. The chocolate is too powerful; it masks that sharp, bitter espresso taste. So you try a latte: steamed milk, flavor of choice, and espresso. It's only once right? You can stop anytime. Again, wrong. I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BUY THE SAME LATTE EVERYDAY. You've been warned.

Caramel Macchiato:

Known to any barista as the "Pain-in-the-Ass-in-a-Cup," this is for Latte drinker's who are full of themselves. Everyone knows it's the same damned drink. The ONLY difference is how the drink is made. Latte: milk and espresso, stir. Macchiato: Milk, espresso on top, don't stir. It's a solid indicator of addiction: the brain tells the body a Latte isn't good enough anymore, it needs to be prettier. Be cautious when dealing with these folks, for Machiatto drinkers are the most aggressive and violent. If their drink isn't perfect, expect them to demand a refund or a new drink. So vain. It makes me sad.

Don't simply laugh this post off, this is serious stuff. Help spread awareness.

Until Next Time

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